Taurus | April 20 to May 20
by Ambika Thompson
Rejected from: McSweeney's Internet Tendency
You had this dream repeatedly as a child that there was a spider lady who lived in your basement and talked on your wall phone waiting for you to come downstairs so she could gobble you all up, one agonising appendage at a time. This week you’ll be rather irked to discover, even though you don’t live in your childhood house, nor have a basement, that the spider lady has taken up residence under your bed and has been racking up an unbelievably huge phone bill calling her spider lady comrades around the world, mostly in Vladivostok. This will doubly irk you since it is not possible to take the phone away from her because she will rip you apart like the paper shredder you dreamed about ALL last week. The one you have to stand in front of for your boss who thinks that your actual job title is “paper shredder, cause you’re clearly too incompetent to do anything else.” You’ll attempt to hide your cell phone as Jupiter retrogrades into your soggy knickers, but spider lady knows every little, damn thing that you do or think, including the fact that you still pine after the one night stand who told you right before you brought them up to your flat that they’re not usually into NOT generically attractive people. When Mercury climaxes in Uranus you’ll try and call your cell phone provider, but the not-so-helpful service operator will tell you, “We do not cancel cell phone contracts on account of unauthorised use by goblins, ghosts, or spider ladies that may or may not live under your bed.” You will ask, “Is that official policy?” and the service operator will tell you, “Yes.” Instead, you will borrow $200 dollars from a family member, who will guilt you about it until you die, and will buy yourself a chainsaw off of a guy on Craigslist who calls himself Chopper Chad and has a tattoo of Leatherface from The Chainsaw Massacre on his right bicep. You will find him attractive, which will make you feel uncomfortable, but nonetheless you will make a coffee date for the following week. On Friday, when Saturn rings and you can’t find your phone (again), you’ll go to bed with the chainsaw and wait till the moon pulls a sad face. You will discover that the chainsaw doesn’t work, so instead you dump all your sleeping pills on the floor beside your bed and hope that spider lady will munch up at least a couple of them. When spider lady fails to do so, you will attempt to reason with her and offer her a bribe to leave you alone, but spider lady only talks in whispers that you can’t quite make out, but you’re pretty sure that she said, “Purple monkey bicycle” as she hands you a contract that shows your older brother hired her in 1984 to devour you horrendously. You will offer her double not to, and then will ask her if she’s been seeing anybody special. Love might be in the air. Or you might die. Have fun with it.